Just What Is It With Single Guys?

"Hey what about the weekly updates you promised"?
Ok, yeah I got it, woefully neglectful of my weekly blog update and all I can offer right now is a re-hash of a little rant I published on a swingers website a year or two ago.

To freshen it up a bit I injected a few lighter moments along with a section containing a small sample of recently received emails from would be playmates. They are particularly noteworthy either because the hopeful sender was just a little too short or long on words, or in some cases really weird. If you just happen to be reading this and see a familiar looking note, don't be offended, it's just our warped sense of humour. Rest assured we're not laughing at you but laughing with you 😊

Our track record for actually hooking up and doing the horizontal tango is pretty abysmal it has to be said. Admittedly as you will have read elsewhere in this blog, we are not a 24/7 hardcore lifestyle couple but more than enjoy the occasional hookup, we take our time selecting "Mr. Right", who 95% of the time turns out to be Mr. Wrong, why?

To explain: We frequently get emails and private picture requests from a wide range of guys, a large majority of whom could easily form the subject of many other blog posts. Seriously, try reading a few lines beyond the headline, if you don't fit the demographic, we're looking for then chances are you won't be receiving a reply.  But staying on track, if we like the look of someone's profile, we will either respond to their request to contact them or contact them first, all normal so far, you'd agree, right?

So, with the initial greetings and pleasantries dispensed with we'll correspond via email a few times, just to get a sense of their character. It's worth mentioning there tends to be some warning signs of their impending flakiness, the primary one is how the initial enthusiasm drops from instant replies to increasingly longer gaps between responses. Hey, we get it, you changed your mind, you likely got access to our private pictures but no biggie, just say you changed your mind and bow out gracefully, we won't be offended, we'll just appreciate your honesty.

But the guy we’re corresponding with confirms he’s open to meet in person. So far so good, at this point we drop the first bomb, usually in the form of: "So we'd really like to meet you for a coffee to see if we have some chemistry, how about Timmies next Tuesday at 7pm?"

A very large percentage of those "gagging for it" guys run straight for the hills when they read that reply, Holy shit! Woah! Stop the bus! These people are real swingers and are actually serious about meeting!

So, we never hear from that guy again, he presumably goes off collecting the private pictures of other unsuspecting folks while spanking the Monkey and endlessly fantasizing about you know, actually participating in the lifestyle in the physical sense.

Look we know it can be intimidating, been there, done that, but seriously, it's just for a simple chat over a cup of coffee or whatever. No-one is expecting you to drop the linen and start banging my wife on the counter at a Timmies on Sunday morning just as the congregation from St Pius is filing in fresh from listening to the morning sermon which just happened to be about the evils of fornication and coveting your neighbour's wife.

Then, on the very rare occasion that all the planets are in full alignment, World hunger has been solved & the entire Earth is at peace we finally find a guy that is real enough to actually willing to meet us for that simple cup of coffee. There, not so difficult, was it? If we hit it off, great we can move on to stage two, if we don't then that is of course totally ok, after all it's unrealistic to expect to like everyone. Just be honest, we really, really appreciate it, honesty, integrity and openness are right up there at the top of our list of favourite character traits. So please don't be the guy who informed us via email after the initial meeting that we are not a good match, (which is obviously fair enough) but then 6 months later start bombarding us with friend requests and asking for access to our private pictures, lol.
Erm, how about no!

Ok, bomb number two is in the bomb bay.

Quite often we won't hear back from the guy, yup, making that commitment to get naked scares some guys off. We won't hear back, so after a couple of days we'll send a message and yup, you guessed, radio silence, "ground control to Major Tom, where the fuck did you go"?

So where did he go? Perhaps back to the International Space Station or maybe he got called at short notice to go solve some penguin colony crisis in Antarctica where there is no cellular or internet access, who knows?

But what we do know is that, he suddenly did not have the time or inclination to engage in a highly erotic and very sexually charged threesome with us or a solo encounter with Alanna. 

One fairly recent adventure cultivated over nearly six weeks went south after we met the guy for coffee twice, the second time at his request after he wrote us an email explaining what he would love to do when we all got together at the hotel. So somewhat confidant he was for real we readily agreed to meet him even though we didn't have a lot of time due to another commitment. So after some small talk I pressed him a little to commit to a day to get together at a hotel in the near future.
He actually surprised us both when he started waffling on about his workload and how many quotes he had to do, and how tough it would be to find the time!

So he had basically wasted our time, we'd driven to meet him, despite the prior commitment we'd made to be elsewhere for an appointment only to be rewarded by his lack of ability to follow through, while essentially disrespecting us, nice. We drove away secure in the knowledge we wouldn't be hearing from him again and of course we were right, not that he would have received a reply. Honesty, openness, integrity, it means a lot...

Life is too short to spend time & effort chasing after flaky wannabe guys, so we’ve finally clued in and changed our strategy. Nowadays our swinger site ads make it very clear that only serious contenders need apply. If a potential fuck buddy contacts us, we’ll send him a message thanking him for his interest and suggesting a meet and greet within a couple of days. This is the first cut, a lot of guys flake at this step. If they message back, we’ll ask them to meet us at a place very convenient and close to where we live on a specific day and time. If they can’t make it, we’ll ask them to tell us when they can, we’re reasonable people after all, everyone is busy nowadays. This is the second cut, if they become evasive and non-committal, we thank them for their interest and move on. If the guy follows through and meets with us, we’ll confirm verbally there is a connection and ask for his cellphone number. If he has nothing to hide, (like an unsuspecting wife maybe) he’ll give us the number, then we’ll discuss and agree a date and time to do the deed. The last step is to ask him to book the hotel room and send us the confirmation. This is the third and (usually) final cut, if the guy really wants to get naked with my wife, (and who wouldn’t, lol), he’ll agree and make the financial commitment. By the way I always offer to pay half when he shows up at the hotel. This new strategy is still not guaranteed to work 100% of the time, but our success rate to actually meet people has increased substantially, resulting in a greater likelihood of there being a happy ending for all involved!

Ok, so to those single guy emails, seriously, just putting a few here for a little light relief, if you do happen to be the author of one of the not so good ones and are offended, just let me know and I'll get right on removing it, maybe, perhaps..
By the way I just copied and pasted these, no edits except those necessary to protect identities, my comments are in italics.

The Good.
Hi there, just read your profile and was pretty impressed. I live in xxxxxx, and I'm single separated professional man, I'm 54, don't even look 50, honest LOL. Would so love to meet people in xxxxxx, it's such a game in this lifestyle. I keep in shape, look after myself, love to be social and do a lot of outdoor things. I do smoke, not a lot, I don't have to though. I shall send my profile, and if at all interested I would love to hear from you. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

PS. Feel free to text or call 1-xxx-xxx-xxxx

Good enough to grab our attention, upfront, honest, and bonus! A working cellphone number, he got top marks and has bedded Alanna several times, you can read about him, (James), elsewhere on this site.

Hi there. I came across your profile and I am very intrigued. The female half looks stunning! I would like to get to know you two better and see where it might lead to. I am a 31 year old straight male, I am educated, polite, respectful, and really want to join a couple, especially one with a sexy lady. If you're interested please let me know. Look forward to hearing from you two. Cheers!

Nicely written, a little too young for us but..

Good day
Attractive professional male local xxxxxx/xxxx
Offering drama free NSA fun in threesome, foursome and if interested more some setting
Patience assured and expected. Willing to meet n explore the possibilities
Text direct xxx-xxx-xxxx for pic exchange.
Positive you will like what u see, and positive we can enjoy fun times. Laid back easy going friends first mentality. I respect and honour couple's relationship. Here to add not to disturb.
Cheers

Concise, to the point, almost perfect.

The Bad.

How are you's? How was your weekend? Very nice pics, like tosew more. I have you access to mine. I'm very interested. If you's are lets chat. Have a good day.  

We're not English majors but is it too much to ask to at least read what you wrote before hitting send?

Good morning

Two words, that's it, really? And he was expecting a reply?

So u guys wAnna chat a bit or am I just to young. I have pics if you like. I'm just looking to meet a nice couple.. This is all new to me so I'm hoping to find someone to teach me somethings

Hate to sound snobby but we’d rather teach you basic sentence construction before the sex education lesson begins.

The Ugly (and the last one is kinda creepy).

Please get back....
I come South often....
Well, you definatly won’t be going “South” with my Wife after that 7 word introduction.

 Last one. Creepy, creepy, creepy. I need a shower..

I would love to be discrete with all the perks and pleasures associated with me ultimately pleasing and satisfying you.I would like to establish something preferably where we are most comfy with each other and can be our wild selves.Lets leave the awkwardness at the door and let me treat you as a lady in the bedroom and have raw wild inhibited times together. Iam D and D free,non smoker ,respectful and fun .also very well grommed .I love to kiss ll ,I can send pics via email . You will get nothing but respect I love pleasing my partner .very interesting profile you have my attention I hope I have yours Email me xxxxxx@gmail.com I can email you my pics .thanks )P.s. I do have some squirting experience that's a amazing thing to do to a women . I know the difference between making love and fucking love to show you both I hope you reply.I can email my pic I need to be discrete because of my profession. please email me at xxxxxx@gmail.com.Im just searching for a play
 mate I'm very much a giver when it comes to sex.I can also hold a intelligent conversation .I'm looking for one not them all thanks for the time. I have a flexible time table so meeting isn't a problem.I would love to pleasure you..I really hope you take a chance and reply.?I will drive to you and I'm available..love to show you a great time.I'm married she doesn't like sex her and I have talked I told her I was looking else where. She said have fun with that but I don't wanna here about it .so if you call that cheating I hope not? I'm really looking for one on one at least until I'm comfortable I have never been with a couple so a bit nervous that's as honest as I can be .thanks for your time so far.

Not even sure where to begin with this one, lots of content but try reading it, and yikes, we're so creeped out.
Having "raw wild inhibited sex" doesn't sound like too much fun either, lol..

Mike and Alanna.